Church Deacon Carefully Measures Out Half A Teaspoon Of Grounds To Make Giant Vat Of Coffee

KOKOMO, IN—According to sources, local church deacon Bill Billings arrived at 3rd Bible Church early this morning to unlock the doors and make the coffee for the morning fellowship hour. As is his custom, he carefully measured out half a teaspoon of coffee grounds to make a giant vat of coffee.  The post Church Deacon Carefully Measures Out Half A Teaspoon Of Grounds To Make Giant Vat Of Coffee appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

Beto Announces Bid To Lose Texas Governor Race

AUSTIN, TX—Beto O’Rourke posted a video announcing his bid to enter, then lose the Texas race for Governor, marking the first high-profile candidate from the Democratic party guaranteed to get crushed by a gazillion votes. The post Beto Announces Bid To Lose Texas Governor Race appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The modern military takes on a lot of duties. There’s meeting diversity quotas. There’s Critical Race Theory training. And there’s helping the environment. Also, thrown in there are some requirements to protect the country. Well, the Pentagon has announced a new policy that will help the U.S. military meet some of those goals: They’re now switching all weapons to swords and bows. The post U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

Judge Instructs Jury To Ignore Angry Mob Outside Threatening To Burn Down Courthouse

KENOSHA, WI—With closing arguments completed in the Kyle Rittenhouse case, the judge is now giving the jury their instructions before they deliberate, reminding them to ignore the angry mob that is currently outside threatening to burn the whole building down.  The post Judge Instructs Jury To Ignore Angry Mob Outside Threatening To Burn Down Courthouse appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

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