WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Senate has voted against creating a January 6th commission to investigate the Capitol riots. As a result, it would seem the events of that day will forever remain shrouded in complete darkness and mystery.
“Yes, there were millions of people there that day, in addition to hundreds of journalists. Plus, we have the entire FBI tracking down these evil criminals and we did a full investigation during Trump’s impeachment,” said Senator Chuck Schumer, “but we really have no idea what happened or what led to this horrific attack on our democracy.”
“Now, I guess we’ll never know,” he added as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
According to experts, no one really knows what happened on January 6th, and spending millions of dollars on an independent commission was the only way for us to really know.
“It’s a shame,” said one Democrat leader in congress. “Someone incited these riots, but nobody knows who. And now the racist insurrectionist Republicans are making sure we’ll never know. If only someone would have recorded the events on a cell phone or something.”
Republicans have offered a compromise to Democrats, proposing instead an independent commission into the events of January 7th.
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