Brought to you by:
Since time immemorial, legend has whispered of a hero prepared by the ancients to defend liberty and shoot commie pedophiles in the name of butt-kicking freedom. Our generation has been blessed to witness this hero in action. His name is Kyle Rittenhouse. Here are a few absolute truths about the based legend:
1) Tucker Carlson wears Kyle Rittenhouse pajamas: Rumors of a matching body pillow are unfounded.
2) His midichlorian count is off the chart- over 20,000: Not even Master Yoda has a midichlorian count that high.
3) Rittenhouse has never shed a tear, ever: Even while crying.
4) We stopped receiving transmissions from “Q” the moment he was taken into custody: Coincidence?
5) Standing downwind of Rittenhouse is guaranteed to cause testosterone poisoning: More “T” runs through his veins than is found in the entire Democratic party.
6) His AR-15 was forged by the ancient men of Westernesse with the magical ability to vanquish the dark armies of Communism: The Númenorian etchings are still legible.
7) Trump has tapped Rittenhouse as Defense Secretary in 2024: And Vice President.
8) According to legend, if a commie pedophile says “Rittenhouse” in the mirror 3 times, Kyle will pick them off from 500 yards away: One can only hope.
9) He was born on July 4th to a pair of majestic bald eagle parents: He did not shoot his way out of the womb as was once believed.
10) Rittenhouse is pro-vaccine: Oh crap! How did this one get in here?
NOT SATIRE: We make Tools of Liberty for the defense of every free man’s God-given rights: Arm yourself with body armor and a plate carrier of your choosing; build your setup with tactical accessories to have close-at-hand on the carrier; train with our durable steel targets.
For easy everyday usage, equip yourself and your loved ones with armored backpacks or view our scenario-based loadouts for inspiration and insight on how best to prepare yourself. Looking for our best deals right now? Check out our monthly promotions. New to body armor?
Learn more at our blog or Body Armor 101 page. All of this is ready for you, so you can Stay in the Fight with AR500 Armor.
Read more at Babylon Bee