The Babylon Bee Presents: The Most Surprising Results From The 2020 Census

If you felt someone sneak up behind you recently and tap you on the head, that was your being counted as part of the census. Now all the census data is in, and some of it is quite surprising.

  • Every single white woman is named Karen. And there simply aren’t enough managers to talk to in order to sustain the Karen population.

  • Not a single American liked The Last Jedi. They asked everyone, and no one liked it. Weird.

  • 23% of the population has been canceled. But they’re still counted in the census as full people, much to the consternation of liberals.

  • There are no longer any racial minorities, as it’s now an even six-way split. That solves all our problems.

  • No one actually lives in North Dakota. Why would they?

  • 64% of the population is gay. That’s a lot less than you’d think from watching shows on Netflix.

  • There are still people named Ralph. And almost all of them are surly bus drivers.

  • 27% of the population is unsure what state they live in. But 13% of them are sure it’s one of the Carolinas.

  • No one in Connecticut was counted, because they couldn’t find it. It’s somewhere in New England, I think.

  • There are 47 different ways to spell “Madison” in Utah alone. Something is wrong with society.

  • Nobody has ever eaten at Long John Silver’s. And nobody knows anybody who has ever eaten at Long John Silver’s.

  • Everyone actually voted for Trump. Guess the election was stolen after all! But the census also found a growing population of losers and haters, meaning trouble for a comeback.

  • Read more at Babylon Bee

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