The Babylon Bee Presents: A Back-To-School Shopping List For Your Conservative Child
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It’s almost that time of year again! Public schools will be starting in a few weeks! Time to send your conservative little tikes into a hostile den of godless commies. How will they survive? Make sure they’re ready with this conservative shopping list!
-Fireproof American flag to carry around: Public school teachers are always on the lookout for American flags to burn. Be prepared!
-Commie repellent spray: Pretty much just bear spray, but it also works on commies.
-Extra bacon to help them counteract that dumb healthy school lunch program: Arm your child with real AMERICAN food! Come and take it, Obama!
-Kids size ‘I Identify As Vaccinated’ t-shirt: Teachers must respect your child, no matter how he identifies.
-CRT canceling headphones: Any time your kid’s teacher starts to teach her racist Marxist garbage, he can pop in those headphones and listen to Ben Shapiro!
-Brass knuckles: For the commies.
-Crayons with all the primary colors removed so he doesn’t accidentally draw an LGBTQ+ rainbow flag: Stick to grey, black, brown, and salmon, just to be safe.
-Scissors to cut the masks off his peers and set them free: Just remind him not to run with them and we’re sure it will be totally fine.
-Wire and spy camera so you can secretly record the teacher teaching CRT: Then you can send the recording to Christopher Rufo. Busted!
-Fake Das Kapital book covers to disguise his Bible and Tuttle Twins books: Then put them in a fireproof backpack so the teachers can’t burn them.
-A watch that only displays the national debt: Your child must always be reminded of the impending doom wrought by runaway government spending.
-Glasses that make him colorblind: That way he won’t see race.
-Extra boxes of tissues to help his classmates wipe their liberal tears: A great way for him to make some friends.
-A school voucher to let him go to a non-commie private school: If you manage to snag one of these, you won’t really need the rest of this stuff. Except for the commie spray. That’s always good to have on hand.
NOT SATIRE: Don’t let Critical Race Theory or leftwing educators indoctrinate your kids! Help us distribute the Tuttle Twins to young families across the country!
The Tuttle Twins children’s book series is teaching the rising generation about the ideas of freedom, free markets, individual responsibility, and American history.
It costs roughly $10 to print and distribute one copy of the Tuttle Twins.
Author, Tuttle Twins
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