NASHVILLE, TN—According to sources, cultural commentator Matt Walsh is really mad about something. In an epic monologue given on his show yesterday, he expressed his grumpy feelings about several issues, like the fact that cute puppies exist to mooch off their owners while providing next to nothing of monetary value in return, to the fact that there are pathetic immature man-babies who still put ketchup on hot dogs.
Several sources say that even after his monologue was over, he remained very grumpy.
“I don’t really know what in the world there is to be mad about these days,” said Satanist polyamorous Communist drag queen Zindy Mindypoo. “The dude really needs to lighten up.”
Matt Walsh then appeared out of nowhere and glared at the drag queen with such furious intensity that Mindypoo immediately ran to the nearest Catholic church to confess his wickedness and turn his life around.
Walsh then returned to his monologue about the quivering sacks of jelly who have the nerve to call themselves men even though they shed tears every time they see a beautiful sunset or their wife gives birth to a new child.
At publishing time, sources say Walsh is still mad.
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