WASHINGTON, D.C.—Mayor Muriel Bowser, sensing resistance to her mask decree, has promised ruthless enforcement of the new rule by bringing in a seemingly endless army of Koopas to her little kingdom.
“Gwa-ha-ha! This is what you get, minions!” roared the Mayor. “Fifty Power Stars – I mean COVID cases! Fifty cases, and I get to take your precious freedoms. You thought you had beaten me, but my Koopas arrived from Texas with twelve Power Stars – I mean cases – and now victory is mine! Gwa-ha-ha!!!”
Journalists attempted to ask Mayor Bowser about why she violated her own rule the previous evening, but the Mayor destroyed them with a fireball before she escaped through a warp pipe. The Mayor then teleported back to her office, where she signed an order banning fireballs and warp pipes.
While some of the Koopas have turned out to be relatively harmless, others have taken to hurling hammers and bombs at citizens who fail to comply. Several Koopa Paratroopa squadrons have already arrived in D.C. and begun to deal out their unusual brand of justice. Citizens have however noted that the Mayor’s shock troops are extremely predictable in their movements, and can generally be avoided with a little planning.
Pockets of resistance have been especially heavy in D.C.’s Italian neighborhoods, where reports have surfaced of people jumping on the backs of the Mayor’s troops, putting several in a completely catatonic state. The Mayor has responded with targeted lockdowns and the construction of several elaborate mazes, making escape from the neighborhoods difficult. Even the most talented residents are needing about 2 hours to successfully elude the Koopas and make it downtown to the Mayor’s dungeon/office.
Sources on the ground say two plumbers claimed to have visited the Mayor’s office and convinced her to abdicate her position and install one of them Mayor instead. However, it turns out they were both tripping really, really hard on shrooms.
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