WASHINGTON, D.C.—Citing pressing concerns over Joe Biden’s mental instability after the President got lost in the White House lawn, Kamala Harris has petitioned the judge presiding over Britney Spears’ case for a similar conservatorship of Mr. Biden.
“If the judge thinks Britney Spears is incapable of making her own decisions, deciding about Joe will take five seconds flat,” said Ms. Harris. “Just yesterday, the man gave an hour-long interview to a sock. Then he yelled at a parking meter for not spitting out a gumball, and later I had to spend thirty minutes convincing him that Jen Psaki wasn’t really his wife.”
With Biden and Harris present, Judge Brenda Penny read aloud the evidence presented: “Let’s see here, Mr. Biden it appears that you threatened to nuke Alabama, shut down oil pipelines and then begged for oil, demanded to spend trillions fighting inflation, you think Catholics support abortion, believe Antifa arsonists are some kind of mirage, support castrating seven year olds, believe it is heroic to stuff record numbers of children in cages, you accused Facebook of murder, think thousands of Americans dying in a terrorist attack was not as bad as January 6th, believe requiring an ID to be something called ‘Jim Eagle’, and you have never once correctly guessed the number of people who live in the country you are President of. Mr. Biden, what do you have to say?”
President Biden took a moment to compose himself before responding, “Judge Penny, there’s just one thing I need to know from you. Is Britney Spears actually here? Or do you have her number? Hoo-boy, that woman could make an Oreo blush, you know what I’m saying?”
Judge Penny, realizing the error of her own ways, decided to finally make everything right by awarding conservatorship of Joe Biden to Britney Spears. With Ms. Spears effectively becoming President, polls show Americans feeling historically great about the direction of the country, and foreign leaders have shown unprecedented interest in coming to the White House.
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