BEIJING—John Cena made a terrible mistake in a recent promotional appearance for Fast & Furious 9, in which he referred to Taiwan as a country. This insulted the communist tyrants of the Chinese Communist Party, who demanded an apology. In an effort to make amends for his faux pas, Cena body-slammed a Uighur Muslim in a specially recorded apology video.
“I am so, so very sorry for insulting the glorious People’s Republic Of China,” said Cena in broken Mandarin. “We want to be able to show our movie in your wonderful free country and make lots of money, which is far more important than the principles of freedom I pretend to love. I would like to apologize by body-slamming this evil Muslim enemy of the state just for you!”
He then climbed to the top rope of the wrestling ring and bellowed “THE CHAMP IS HERE!” before leaping through the air and performing an aerial top-rope splash on the unfortunate political prisoner below before picking him up and body-slamming him.
Chinese President Xi thanked Cena for his heartfelt apology and said he will consider allowing the studio to play the movie in China if they send another video of John Cena singing the Chinese National Anthem and piledriving a Taiwanese person.
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