WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Washington have renewed calls for Rohan to ban the use of horses after rumors emerged that they were being used for cruel purposes.
According to reports, the Riders of the Mark use the horses to drive out invaders, charge into battle, and answer Gondor’s call for aid. The Rohirrim have strict immigration laws, with the penalty for crossing the border illegally being death unless one appeals directly to the King of the Golden Hall.
Democrats have asked Rohan to stop using horses and instead run into battle, or perhaps replace them with some environmentally friendly Segways.
“Theoden King, will you answer our call to stop using horses?” asked Kamala Harris, hissing into the king’s ear.
“Be silent! Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth!” responded Gandalf. He then cast her out of the hall and she fled to Orthanc, where she was to plot with Saruman. However, he got annoyed with her cackle and just abandoned the tower, deciding instead to go see what the Hobbits of the Shire were up to.
When asked for comment, King Theoden dodged the question, responding with cryptic phrases like “What can men do against such reckless hate?” and “Let this be the hour when we draw swords together. Fell deeds awake. Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn. Forth, Eorlingas!”
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