ALBANY, NY—In a stunning press conference, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced he will be resigning from his term as Governor to spend more time sexually harassing family and loved ones.
“It has been an honor to serve as Governor,” said Cuomo, “But all the groping of beautiful young women and killing of senior citizens has taken my focus away from where it needs to be: on my family. Starting next month, I will retire to focus on only harassing my dear family, and killing the elderly in my own community– something I have neglected for far too long.”
The speech was universally praised as “powerful” and “maybe even presidential” by the media, with some suggesting the disgraced governor deserves an Emmy for his powerful performance.
To help make ends meet, Cuomo will secure a side gig running for president, now that he has harassed enough women to qualify for the position.
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