NEW YORK CITY, NY—Chris Cuomo reported a slow news day during his hit TV show Cuomo Prime Time last night, as there was nothing of interest to report on.
“Yeah, wow… this is kind of embarrassing, but there’s literally no interesting news to report on today,” said Cuomo to millions of adoring hospital waiting rooms across the country. “If there was anything going on, like the Governor of my state—who also happens to be my brother—being outed as a pervy weirdo who preys on women like a greasy Italian skeezball stereotype, I would totally report on that. But there’s nothing like that at all going on.”
There was an awkward pause, as Cuomo had no more material for his hour-long slot.
“So, um… how’s everyone doing out there? Good? I’m doing good as well, yeah. I had a delicious pastrami on rye for lunch today. Man, it was so good. I enjoyed it so much, it was crazy. Yeah… you had to be there.”
Cuomo then remembered he had some leftover pastrami in his suit pocket, so he took it out and began to eat it live on air to fill some more time.
“Yeah, slow news day, too bad,” he said. “I’m just gonna let you watch me eat this. This is a mukbang eating show now. I’ve heard the Gen Z kids love that. Num num num!”
According to reports, the news-free prime time hour received the highest ratings in the history of the show. CNN has said they will now experiment just filling the screen with white noise next week to see if it does even better.
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