JACKSONVILLE, FL—Local video game enthusiast and Christian Blake Bottles has spent the past year tirelessly trying to get his hands on a new PlayStation 5 gaming system. Today was the day he finally got one in his online cart and was just about to finalize his purchase when the unthinkable happened, Jesus returned to rapture his followers.
“I couldn’t believe it!” exclaimed an exasperated Bottles. “Months and months I’ve tried to get the new PS5 and I finally have it in my cart to pay and Jesus decides to come back and take me to my heavenly home now?!”
“All I ever wanted to do was play Assassin’s Creed Valhalla so I could pillage and murder in crystal clear imagery and next-gen speeds.”
As Blake began to rise into the air and experience the change of coming into his glorified body he couldn’t help but look back down at his computer and wish he could just hit complete purchase.
“I guess I just wasn’t meant to get one,” said Bottles as he approached heaven. “I’ll just take a walk on these streets of gold and piddle around my mansion.”
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