NEW YORK, NY—As the new Delta variant continues to wreak havoc in the U.S., a spokesman for drugmaker Pfizer admitted today that the true COVID vaccine isn’t what was injected into our bodies, but rather the friends we made along the way.
“The key to defeating COVID was inside of us this whole time,” the spokesman said. “I’m not talking about our immune systems. I’m talking about our friends, families, and neighbors who helped us through this difficult ordeal. They are the TRUE cure for the pandemic.”
“Over the last 17 months, we’ve laughed together virtually, cried together virtually, and even burned down several city blocks in the name of peaceful protests,” he said. “If we keep working together while wearing masks and staying six feet apart, there’s no end to what we can accomplish.”
“Though we’ve made great progress, we’re not out of the woods just yet,” the spokesman then warned. “So please, continue to harass your friends and neighbors about wearing masks, report improper behavior to government authorities, and out strangers on social media whenever possible. That’s what good friends do.”
The spokesman concluded the press conference by urging everyone to get a third Pfizer shot, preferably prior to the end of the company’s fiscal third quarter on September 30. He said the firm is also testing the need for a fourth booster shot, the need for which will depend highly on how the rest of their fiscal year goes.
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