Parody

Parody

Kenosha Residents Paint Their Doorposts With ‘Black Lives Matter’ In Preparation For Verdict

KENOSHA, WI—In order to protect their lives and homes, Kenosha residents are painting "Black Lives Matter" over their doorposts just in case local Antifa communist rioters don't like the Rittenhouse verdict and decide to burn the city down again.  The post Kenosha Residents Paint Their Doorposts With ‘Black Lives Matter’ In Preparation For Verdict appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

‘Kamala Harris Is Extremely Likable And Good At Her Job’, Announces Psaki For No Apparent Reason Whatsoever

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise press conference in D.C. today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki—completely out of the blue and for no apparent reason—announced that Kamala Harris is extremely likable and very good at her job and everything is just fine. The post ‘Kamala Harris Is Extremely Likable And Good At Her Job’, Announces Psaki For No Apparent Reason Whatsoever appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

Church Deacon Carefully Measures Out Half A Teaspoon Of Grounds To Make Giant Vat Of Coffee

KOKOMO, IN—According to sources, local church deacon Bill Billings arrived at 3rd Bible Church early this morning to unlock the doors and make the coffee for the morning fellowship hour. As is his custom, he carefully measured out half a teaspoon of coffee grounds to make a giant vat of coffee.  The post Church Deacon Carefully Measures Out Half A Teaspoon Of Grounds To Make Giant Vat Of Coffee appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

Beto Announces Bid To Lose Texas Governor Race

AUSTIN, TX—Beto O’Rourke posted a video announcing his bid to enter, then lose the Texas race for Governor, marking the first high-profile candidate from the Democratic party guaranteed to get crushed by a gazillion votes. The post Beto Announces Bid To Lose Texas Governor Race appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The modern military takes on a lot of duties. There’s meeting diversity quotas. There’s Critical Race Theory training. And there’s helping the environment. Also, thrown in there are some requirements to protect the country. Well, the Pentagon has announced a new policy that will help the U.S. military meet some of those goals: They’re now switching all weapons to swords and bows. The post U.S. Military Switches To Swords And Bows To Meet Carbon Neutral Goals appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

Judge Instructs Jury To Ignore Angry Mob Outside Threatening To Burn Down Courthouse

KENOSHA, WI—With closing arguments completed in the Kyle Rittenhouse case, the judge is now giving the jury their instructions before they deliberate, reminding them to ignore the angry mob that is currently outside threatening to burn the whole building down.  The post Judge Instructs Jury To Ignore Angry Mob Outside Threatening To Burn Down Courthouse appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

Group Of Destitute Street Urchins Arrives At Church—No Wait, Dad Just Dressed The Kids Again

TOLEDO, OH—According to reports, a group of poor, pitiable, destitute street urchins arrived at Christ Midwestern Church Sunday morning, looking desperate, dirty, hungry, and poorly groomed. Everyone at the church felt compassionate for this poor group of orphans, clearly neglected, as they had obviously dressed themselves with whatever they could find in a garbage dumpster this morning. They were immediately rushed into the building and offered food, shelter, clean clothes, and free haircuts. "The poor dears," said church secretary Ethel Rutherford. "Times are hard for a lot of families these days, not least if you're homeless, living on the streets, and living in Toledo." The post Group Of Destitute Street Urchins Arrives At Church—No Wait, Dad Just Dressed The Kids Again appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

Denis Villeneuve Releases Directors Cut Of ‘Dune’ With 3 Additional Hours Of Really Cool Spaceships Taking Off And Landing Very Slowly

U.S.—Film director Denis Villeneuve has announced a brand-new director's cut of Dune, much to the excitement of fans. The new cut of the film will be almost 6 hours long and will feature 3 additional hours of really cool spaceships taking off and landing very very slowly.  The post Denis Villeneuve Releases Directors Cut Of ‘Dune’ With 3 Additional Hours Of Really Cool Spaceships Taking Off And Landing Very Slowly appeared first on The Babylon Bee. …

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